Date: Wed, 21 May 97 08:32:54 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Subject: Internet Oracularity #907-08 Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle who... > just a test > ...is beyond compare - > > I beg you to offer... > how can i learn hacking > ...me a solution to end this terrible suffering I'm... > $ $ $ $ $ I made $50,000 in just two days - so can you! > ...enduring. Due to excessive exposure to a Usenet now populated > only... I need help decoding these pictures > ...by dumb AOLers and perverts (no difference there... > pearl jam sux > ...really) I find that my speech is now... > Repent, Filthy Sinners, or be Eternally Damned! > ...punctuated by spam posting subject lines and "Me too!!!!"s. I am > close to... > <<<<>>>> > ...despair and mental breakdown. I fear it is only a matter of... > Send me one too!!! > And me! > and me!! > ...time before brainwashing is complete and I turn into a WaReZ dOoD > or similar. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: Zadoc!!!! } } Zadoc: Yes, Master. } } Oracle: What is wrong with this infernal computer? } } Zadoc: What seems to be the problem, Master? } } Oracle: I just received a screen full of gibberish. Have you been } channel surfing again with my TV card? Where's that staff of zot!!!! } } Zadoc: No! No!, Master. Have pity on me. I haven't done anything. } If you read carefully-- } } Oracle: What!!!!! Are you implying I haven't read carefully!!!! Zo-- } } Zadoc: No, Master. Stay your mighty hand! I merely meant that, if } you will just read the entire message, you will see that the } supplicant does have something to say. It is just that his thinking } is sprinkled with pollutants from that tool of Entropy, the Usenet! } } Oracle: Aha! Entropy!!! There's someone I have been meaning to deal } with. I could Zot him, but I fear that would just make more little } Entropies and spread his chaos more thickly than ever. I have it! I } will personally stop his havoc. I will begin by planting the idea in } children's heads that, above all else, they want to pick up their toys } and put them away. Hah!!! That will put a dent in his little plan!!! } } Zadoc: Oh Master, you are so wonderful when you embark on a purpose! } } Oracle: No, Zadoc, you may not spend the weekend with Lisa. } } Zadoc: It was worth a try. } } Oracle: Now for part 2 of my plan: Reruns of the Brady Bunch over } all web connections. There will be so much order and niceness around, } Entropy will spontaneously curl up into a smooth, round, uniform ball! } That is something I will *dearly* enjoy. } } Zadoc: Yes, Master. } } Oracle: Zadoc, tell the Supplicant his brain will be functional again } before nightfall. } } Zadoc: Yes, Master. } } Oracle: And Zadoc. } } Zadoc: Yes, Master? } } Oracle: Virtue begins at home. Put the record on, and let's get } cracking. } } Zadoc places 45 onto turntable (the oracle doesn't waste money on the } latest technology for a mere priest like Zadoc). } } The record begins to play: } } Clean up, clean up, } Everybody, everywhere. } Clean up, clean up. } Everybody, do your share. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Barney's Greatest Hits. ------------------------------